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Tuesday, 15 May 2012 04:48

The Top 10

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This is self-explanatory: the top ten reasons why I would rather be abducted by aliens than be a Canadian:


1. Alien sex is better than Canadian sex (trust me). Canadian sex must be really boring.

2. Aliens come in a variety of cool colours. Canadians come in only one colour: dull.

3. If I get abducted by aliens, I no longer have to be exposed to Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber is a Canadian.

4. Same goes for Celine Dion.

5. Chances of getting mauled by a bear in space are pretty low, whereas in Canada, bears roam freely and kill everything all the time.

6. Moose. What the hell kind of an animal is a moose? Whereas, aliens have pet Heffalumps and Woozles, of course.

7. Aliens don’t have that awful, blood-curdling, makes-you-want-to-vomit-everywhere, accent.

8. Aliens have exciting, never-tried-before booze. Whereas, Canada wouldn’t know a Long Island Ice Tea if it came at them wearing nothing but a Mounty’s hat.

9. Hockey. Hockey is super Canadian. Therefore it is automatically stupid. Space doesn’t have hockey.

10. If the apocalypse comes, Canada will no doubt be the only place that survives. If you’ve been abducted by aliens, you wouldn’t have to go and live in Canada when the world ends, which would just have made the whole getting-eaten-by-zombies thing so much worse.

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